So I’m having one of those college crisis kinds of weeks.
You know what I’m talking about.
I think it all started with the fact that I’m reading Shane Claiborne, which means all I’ve wanted to do for the past week is drop out of school and start loving on homeless people more. But besides that, I was beginning to have sort of an identity crisis.
The past year has helped me realize that there is a difference between a musician and an artist. At least there is in my life, since I’m much more of a musician than an artist. And although I’m trying to balance that out, the program that I’m in stresses so much knowing exactly where you fit as an artist/performer. And honestly, I’m not sure I want to fit anywhere. And everything professors have told me in regards to that statement has been contradictory. One second they’re saying, “Be yourself!” or “Be adept at as many styles as possible!” and the next they’re saying, “I’m confused, where exactly do you think that fits?” and “How does that style fit your genre?”
In normal life, I identify myself (or try to) solely through Jesus Christ, and that is proving to be difficult in a program where I definitely don’t classify myself as a “christian artist”. And since I’m so horrible with words, it’s hard to explain why a song resonates with me or why I chose to dress a certain way for a certain song. Usually the answer ends up sounding like something along the lines of “because I liked it…”.
I have no plans on being a solo artist or songwriter, so why does it matter if my outfit exactly matches my song choice? God gave me my voice, and I want to use it. What God didn’t give me was a map showing me exactly how. And that’s fine! In fact, I love the adventure of finding out, I just don’t think that finding out means classifying myself as one thing - at least not yet.
Really, I shouldn’t be as angsty as I am and, as a sophomore, I don’t think my professors should be trying to shove me into one genre quite yet. But really, it’s a balancing act, and it’s one that I’m not going to perfect for quite a while.
