Making Myself Usable

I think that in order to fully understand resting in God, we must exhaust ourselves by first pouring ourselves into others. This summer I was the definition of complacent. Not to say I did nothing and learned nothing, but there was no growth and there was far too much self-inflicted spiritual depravity.

Now, back at school, I'm absolutely exhausted, but feel better than I did all summer. Pouring myself into others in the past week or so has been a little scary, since I'm used to such familiar faces and comfortable situations. I also am realizing more and more, though I've always known, that you HAVE to learn to step out of your comfort zone in order to grow most.

Now, going off of that, I realize that living the gospel in every aspect of my life is, generally, out of my comfort zone. I tend to feel awkward, like I don't have the right words to say, and feel that I'm a failure at establishing relationships with people - christ-followers or not.

So my prayer this year is that God would continue to throw me into uncomfortable situations, that I may learn to better lean on His wisdom and strength more than I have ever before. My other prayer for this year is that God would make me usable. He cannot use me until I am willing to be usable. I'm ready now.

Crap, I'm stuck in Limbo.

I love my home in Illinois so much...as long as I know I can go somewhere else and do more with my life.

I love this small town in the suburbs, and yet I know that if I had nowhere else to go I would despise it. It's such a contradiction. I was so excited to head back to Nashville until I remembered all the things I love about here. So, of course, I've forgotten all the things I love about Nashville in the midst of getting caught up in goodbyes and hugs and packing and stressing and family. And Tetris, just to throw that in there, haha.

I know I'll remember them the second I see the Batman building arise in the distance, but for now I'm in that tearful limbo between two places. Leaving is so depressing, arriving so exciting. Such an emotional roller coaster, so I'm just trying to remember that three days ago all I could think about was how FREAKING awesome this year is going to be.

See ya tomorrow, dirty Nashy!

Pablo Picasso Mind

I'm just not good at putting the ocean of words and colors and feeling and music in my head into actual words. This is the struggle of my life. I like to think that I'm someone who really feels things. Certain books and other media, landscapes, people, events and situations resound inside me to a place where actual articulation of the feeling completely escapes me.

Even now, I feel as if I'm doing just fine articulating how I can't articulate. But there are so many specific instances that have long since gone from my heart and soul that are lost to the page. The idea that so many of my experiences are not recorded, that those feelings are lost to me, scares the crap out of me. I have tried to make those occasional deep experiences into art - music, poems, etc. - but nothing can ever do them justice. Glimpses of heaven that I have experienced, glances that speak into infinity from people that I hardly know - these are things that other people have always made into art for me. Or things that God reveals and that even the greatest artist could never put on paper or form into music.

I like to think that I'm a musician. That somewhere inside me a song lies for each instance in life. And maybe it does, but maybe it's not my own. Music is, without a doubt, what I want to actually do in my life. The thing that I pray and pray will actually make me some money.

But I think, in reality, I'm a writer. And that I will always be - whether anyone reads the ramblings of my jumbled mind doesn't matter. I just need to get the words out.