There's Something About a Coffee Shop

It may sound cliche or silly, but even if you are sitting in solitude, if it is a good coffee shop you still feel like you're a part of something bigger.  You feel like you're not alone.

I am learning: Part II

I am learning what devotion and obedience really mean.  I am learning that God is not going to reveal himself to me just because I keep whining and pining for him to.  I am learning that devotion, obedience and faith flow from drawing near to Him and his word.  I am learning that drawing near takes dedication and a perceptive ear to hear His will.  These are simple truths: simple truths that can save the world.

Scattered thoughts on "New Monasticism"

New Monasticism? Sweet.

“Enlivened by an understanding of the church as first family, celibacy has stood alongside marriage for two millennia as an embodiment of a vocational narrative that’s wider than individual ambition and more enduring than the American dream.”

In other words, SINGLENESS IS OKAY.  Shane Claiborne spoke at my school yesterday and said some really beautiful things about being single and about being called the face of the “new monasticism”.  Now it would be easy, as a single person, to simply take to this as a comfort statement.  However, encouraging as it was, it really got me to thinking that this is something we really do overlook too much!  So many of the greatest innovators in the Church were celibate.  Just look at Paul, or Mother Theresa.  Our culture never promotes this kind of life.  Ever.  But really, it’s something for us as Christians to really consider.  

Instead of focusing on the fact that we are single, let us embrace it and use that freedom to bring about growth and change!  Shane said something along the lines of this, and then added that it doesn’t necessarily mean a vow of celibacy for life, as the members of Catholic religious orders do, but rather that we marry ourselves to Christ.  

Also, if there is someone that is going to help us in fulfilling our purpose as Christians, someone who will help us grow, then we must embrace that, too!  But I think that will only happen when we are so invested in God’s will for our lives that we can see clearly that such a relationship would be of Him.  

Just some thoughts…

I am learning.

My heart is in a battle between bitterness and softness.  Between joy and fear.  Between loving others and fostering bitterness towards others.  It really displays quite well how I have been towards God this semester, as well.  Complacency is my enemy, yet it is my best friend.  If I am to really know the heart of God it is going to take more perseverance than this.  

God softened my heart this morning.  I came into worship bitter, holding onto some jealousy that I won’t get into, and left feeling much softened.  I’m a work in progress.

My cry is to pursue God with consistency, even if the emotions are not present.  Because pursuing God is not about emotion, it’s about devotion.  Because I’ll never get anywhere, there will never be growth, that is, unless I give everything over.  

He gives and takes and then gives. And then He asks us "What will you do with these gifts?"

It's funny how God likes to bless us when we feel most like we don't deserve it.  In the same way, he tends to take away at the most unexpected times, as well.

I've been really crappy to Him lately.  And what kills me is knowing that He doesn't need me.  I desperately need God but I avoid Him, whereas He doesn't need me at all and yet is jealous for me.  He longs for me to pursue him with full abandon, but I'm too scared to fully give my heart to anything.  The more relationships I build in this life, this life that is more my own now that it has ever been, the more scared I get that I'll get hurt.

However, I tend to not really recognize that fear for what it is.  I think that a lot of the time I, unbeknownst to my own self, put up walls.  Walls that keep me from hurting others and walls that keep me from getting hurt.  But Jesus loved with everything he had, unconditionally.  He preached truth even if it wasn't necessarily what people wanted to hear.

This is the area I struggle most in.  God continues to bless my life far beyond anything I deserve, and His challenge to me is "what are you going to do with it?"  And so far my answer has been, "Thanks for giving me this awesome life - do you see how good I am at managing it?  Do you see that I've been productive in getting into a good college and making friends and being a good person?" And as wonderful as that all is (and I'm not complaining, it is wonderful and I'm proud of where I am), Jesus wants so much more from us.  He wants us (me) to be willing to give all that up and follow wherever he leads.  He wants us to sprint into his arms and live as he lived, loving until it hurts and speaking truth into the lives of all we meet.

For me, that means getting out of my freaking comfort zone.  Now.

Perpetually in Progress

These days it feels as if each new day brings some small defining moment.  Maybe it's just college - we over-think every aspect of life and where it's going, every aspect of every relationship and each small decision we make.  But maybe it's true that every day brings us one step further out of who we were and one step closer to who we were meant to be.

I've just been feeling this urgency to define myself - to know exactly who I am, where I am going and to know just the right way to go about doing that.  But that does not necessarily sound like what Christ has told us to do - he has told us to define ourselves in Him, and that if we have strength enough to do that, he will show us the way - his way.

And let me tell you, I suck at doing that.  A lot.  But I'm working on it.  I am a work in progress.

Early Thanksgiving

I cannot express in words how thankful I am for how God has blessed me this semester.  I think back to a year ago and shudder at the place I was in.  However, if I hadn't been in that horrible, insecure place at that point I would not be the person that I am now, cliche as that sounds.  I'm sitting here in Bongo, alone, and I'm content.  If I had been in this same place at this point last year it would have been because I felt like a loser for sitting in my room just doing homework.  Such a childlike insecurity bound me as a freshman, although I never would have told you that at that point.

I often point out that my walk with Christ has been a series of small ups and downs, little revelations that have slowly but surely brought me closer to him.  Although I wasn't in the depths of hell starting at the beginnings University life, it certainly was one of the lower points in my lifetime.  And those "downs" were a struggle that resulted in me having to find strength in Christ and confidence in his plan for my life.  I think that pushing through those times has given me a more solid sense of self which, in turn, is giving me more room to grown in Him now.

And for this, once again, I am so so thankful.

Balancing Act

So I’m having one of those college crisis kinds of weeks.  

You know what I’m talking about.  

I think it all started with the fact that I’m reading Shane Claiborne, which means all I’ve wanted to do for the past week is drop out of school and start loving on homeless people more.  But besides that, I was beginning to have sort of an identity crisis.  

The past year has helped me realize that there is a difference between a musician and an artist.  At least there is in my life, since I’m much more of a musician than an artist. And although I’m trying to balance that out, the program that I’m in stresses so much knowing exactly where you fit as an artist/performer.  And honestly, I’m not sure I want to fit anywhere.  And everything professors have told me in regards to that statement has been contradictory.  One second they’re saying, “Be yourself!” or “Be adept at as many styles as possible!” and the next they’re saying, “I’m confused, where exactly do you think that fits?” and “How does that style fit your genre?”

In normal life, I identify myself (or try to) solely through Jesus Christ, and that is proving to be difficult in a program where I definitely don’t classify myself as a “christian artist”.  And since I’m so horrible with words, it’s hard to explain why a song resonates with me or why I chose to dress a certain way for a certain song.  Usually the answer ends up sounding like something along the lines of “because I liked it…”.  

I have no plans on being a solo artist or songwriter, so why does it matter if my outfit exactly matches my song choice?  God gave me my voice, and I want to use it.  What God didn’t give me was a map showing me exactly how.  And that’s fine!  In fact, I love the adventure of finding out, I just don’t think that finding out means classifying myself as one thing - at least not yet.  

Really, I shouldn’t be as angsty as I am and, as a sophomore, I don’t think my professors should be trying to shove me into one genre quite yet.  But really, it’s a balancing act, and it’s one that I’m not going to perfect for quite a while.  

Making Myself Usable

I think that in order to fully understand resting in God, we must exhaust ourselves by first pouring ourselves into others. This summer I was the definition of complacent. Not to say I did nothing and learned nothing, but there was no growth and there was far too much self-inflicted spiritual depravity.

Now, back at school, I'm absolutely exhausted, but feel better than I did all summer. Pouring myself into others in the past week or so has been a little scary, since I'm used to such familiar faces and comfortable situations. I also am realizing more and more, though I've always known, that you HAVE to learn to step out of your comfort zone in order to grow most.

Now, going off of that, I realize that living the gospel in every aspect of my life is, generally, out of my comfort zone. I tend to feel awkward, like I don't have the right words to say, and feel that I'm a failure at establishing relationships with people - christ-followers or not.

So my prayer this year is that God would continue to throw me into uncomfortable situations, that I may learn to better lean on His wisdom and strength more than I have ever before. My other prayer for this year is that God would make me usable. He cannot use me until I am willing to be usable. I'm ready now.

Crap, I'm stuck in Limbo.

I love my home in Illinois so much...as long as I know I can go somewhere else and do more with my life.

I love this small town in the suburbs, and yet I know that if I had nowhere else to go I would despise it. It's such a contradiction. I was so excited to head back to Nashville until I remembered all the things I love about here. So, of course, I've forgotten all the things I love about Nashville in the midst of getting caught up in goodbyes and hugs and packing and stressing and family. And Tetris, just to throw that in there, haha.

I know I'll remember them the second I see the Batman building arise in the distance, but for now I'm in that tearful limbo between two places. Leaving is so depressing, arriving so exciting. Such an emotional roller coaster, so I'm just trying to remember that three days ago all I could think about was how FREAKING awesome this year is going to be.

See ya tomorrow, dirty Nashy!

Pablo Picasso Mind

I'm just not good at putting the ocean of words and colors and feeling and music in my head into actual words. This is the struggle of my life. I like to think that I'm someone who really feels things. Certain books and other media, landscapes, people, events and situations resound inside me to a place where actual articulation of the feeling completely escapes me.

Even now, I feel as if I'm doing just fine articulating how I can't articulate. But there are so many specific instances that have long since gone from my heart and soul that are lost to the page. The idea that so many of my experiences are not recorded, that those feelings are lost to me, scares the crap out of me. I have tried to make those occasional deep experiences into art - music, poems, etc. - but nothing can ever do them justice. Glimpses of heaven that I have experienced, glances that speak into infinity from people that I hardly know - these are things that other people have always made into art for me. Or things that God reveals and that even the greatest artist could never put on paper or form into music.

I like to think that I'm a musician. That somewhere inside me a song lies for each instance in life. And maybe it does, but maybe it's not my own. Music is, without a doubt, what I want to actually do in my life. The thing that I pray and pray will actually make me some money.

But I think, in reality, I'm a writer. And that I will always be - whether anyone reads the ramblings of my jumbled mind doesn't matter. I just need to get the words out.

Rainy Sunday Nights...

...are one of my favorite things. I'm going to sit in my room and read Ender's Game. It's one of the first ones I checked out for the summer and one of the last ones I've gotten around to reading. Judging by it's cover (tsk tsk) I thought I wouldn't like it. WRONG. I absolutely love it. I'm eating it up. I mean, who wouldn't love a book where the fate of the world is on the shoulders of a bunch of genius children? The points Orson Scott Card makes about where power should lie and where real goodness comes from are so valid and poignant - although I'm not finished, so I guess I should hold off on my opinion until I do.

Anyways, I am very happy I decided to read so much this summer. Today I just feel like life is almost back on track, again. Although, when is life ever fully on track?

Either way, I'm saving money, ready to head back to school, seeing friends, keeping up with my reading. It's these small things that make the day to day that much better. But I'm ready for adventure, and I believe that's going to come in the form of American Idol auditions in just over a week! I think it's going to be a a fun and tiring experience, and I'm SO ready for it!

Until next time, interwebs.

WHY isn't Quidditch real?

Ain't Never Gonna Happen?

I'm not sure I'll ever write, finish and like a song of my own.

As a musician, I definitely have all the necessary skills. But I don't know, maybe my creative juices don't flow fast enough. Maybe I don't have enough intense emotional experience. Maybe I'm just not meant to. Either way, I just don't know if it will ever happen.

And that upsets me.

Ugh.

I'm struggling with myself this summer, it seems, but I'm learning to be patient. I'm learning to try hard at bettering myself, and not just thinking it will happen magically. I have always, in a way, lived with this absurd notion that thinking about how I should do better would lead me to actually being "better", whatever that means. Being the person God wants me to be is going to take hard, intentional work.

I've always understood the idea of living intentionally for OTHERS, but never really applied that to myself. I have to intentionally strive towards becoming more and more like Christ, because if I'm not putting in any effort God has nothing to work with. Then there won't be any growth.

DUH. REVELATION!
Story of my life - growth coming from tiny revelations piling themselves on top of each other.

ANYWAYS.
The life of Rachel:
Is not exactly how I wished it would be when thinking about all that could happen this summer.
I'm nannying two awesome seven year olds that I really hope I can actually make a good impression on. That would be nice. I've always thought I liked babysitting, but never thought I was the best in the area of childcare, so I'm trying to be the cool nanny while at the same time being an authority figure. It's not easy, but I really feel like God wants me to invest in these kids, and I'm just praying he'll use me.

God is testing my patience at Old Navy. Not sure how many more years I'll be able to take having that as a part time job. We'll see.

Nothing's changed as far as my friends go, which is nice.

As much as I miss the Nash, it's good to be home.

A Literature Whirlwind

Okay, so in an effort to keep my mind alive and maybe find some inspiration this summer, I'm compiling a reading challenge. My favorite kind! I have collected a diverse conglomeration of books and have technically already started. I'm gonna keep a list here mostly to keep myself accountable for reading them all!

BOLD = DONE, ITALICIZED = READING, REGULAR = HAVEN'T STARTED

The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
The Hunchback of Notre Dame - Victor Hugo
Juliet, Naked - Nick Hornby
Testimony - Anita Shreve
The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
Ender's Game - Orson Scott Card
The Screwtape Letters - C.S. Lewis
Redeeming Love - Francine Rivers
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button - F. Scott Fitzgerald
The Entire Chronicles of Narnia - C.S. Lewis
The Four Loves - C.S. Lewis
The History of Love - Nicole Krauss
The rest of Fitzgerald's short stories!

The list will probably become impossibly longer. I want to finish this list by mid July though, so I can get another group through before school starts. Call me crazy, but it's just not summer unless I'm doing insane amounts of reading.

I'm having a good summer so far - I mean, it feels great to be working and making money and seeing old friends again. But I just feel like I'm running behind in actually being a musician. I know so many incredible musicians who are spending their summers writing and performing and making money doing what they love and what am I doing? I'm working at Old Navy and nannying. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful to have some kind of job, but I just want to do music, and I feel like I don't fully know how yet. It's like I'm missing something.

I also want to be doing some kind of ministry. I feel like in Nashville there were more opportunities coming up and then I got ripped away from there are have to...start over here, I guess. I don't know. I'm just feeling discontent right now. Blegh.

Action is Character.

What does that mean? I guess it's obvious that if we sit around and do nothing that our character - our personality and our values - are not going to take shape very quickly. I think that more than this, however, our actions give us purpose and continue to nudge us forth on the path that our lives are taking.

The paths that our lives are taking.
If each action is going to spur us on to where we are going to eventually end up, don't we want them to be meaningful, intentional actions? Perceiving the thought that way makes me want to be more intentional about BEING.

That's about as far as the thought has come yet in my head. It's so easy to think about actively pursuing purpose and much harder to put it into practice.

I know that for me living with purpose is living for an eternal purpose. I want so much for the people in my life to come to see they can live blamelessly and in complete freedom, serving a God who is perfect and will redeem this mess of a world in time. But then I have to go to work at Old Navy and seeing that heavenly purpose for living abundantly becomes much harder in the mundaneness of ringing up clothing. I'm trying to do this.

This summer my goal is to find God working in the mundaneness of my minimum wage job and the monotony of this suburban world. Life can mean so much more when we don't just let ourselves go through the motions we know so well. Intentional actions will help me to intentionally shape my characters into what I know God can make it. Easier said than done.

Let's do this thing.

A Week Changed It All!

So, I am now at that "week from now" point I wrote about last Sunday. I've finished my finals, said my goodbyes, had my tonsils removed and driven home right after the surgery. Thankfully the dosage of drugs I was on made the first two days okay, but I'm trying to wean myself off those narcotics now and it's proving more painful than I thought. Not that I'm addicted, just not being doped up means I feel a much higher level of pain. Probably a 5 on the scale to 10. Endurable.

My uvula is pretty swollen, and that plus the pain meds going down kept me from eating much of anything yesterday. Gahhh, I'm really hungry. I may go back to a fully narcotic dose of meds and then just scarf as much food as I can, but that's probably not the best idea. I'm just gonna have to suck it up.

I'm hoping that this pain getting worse is the scabs falling off and healing quicker than expected. I just really have no clue. I'm not in as bad of pain as many of the stories I've read, but I'm not just fine like other stories I've read. Just resting and hoping for a quick recovery. Luckily, I can talk decently, which is nice for when friends have visited.

I just am ready to be back to normal - also, I want to SING something!

But really, I have nothing to complain about.
Just needed to vent a little bit of frustration.

ANGST.

I'm really anxious.

I have yet to start packing, everyone's leaving, I'm getting my first surgery ever on Thursday, and I'm just really not sure what this summer has in store. I'm scared of change and scared of things staying the same.

I just want it to be this time next week.
Angst.



That's all today.

The Rainpocalypse and What It's Brought About

Nashville flooded this weekend. A LOT of water is happening around here.
Belmont stayed pretty dry, and I thank God for that, but it throws things out of perspective. Here we are, forced to keep on campus and studying for finals and there are bodies being uncovered in the floodwaters, houses rotting because of water damage, famous landmarks devastated.

I'm living in a part of the country that the president has declared a Federal Disaster Zone. And there's not much I can do but refrain from doing laundry or showering too excessively.

So much is happening here in Nashville. I've met so many new people and grown in my faith immensely in the past few months and I'm going to be torn away from it in just a few days. Last semester it was so hard for me to acclimate and now it breaks my heart to have to leave.

God is doing such big things in this city and I don't want to miss out on any of it. I guess I'm going to have to find God's work in the dreary suburbs this summer. I just pray that I can find others to encourage me and live with purpose this summer. I'm so scared I'll just fall into complacency - but no, I refuse. God will do big things this summer, I just have to let him.

Bring it on.

Ah, Nash.

I'm sitting at Bongo with Abby, Kristen and Carly. We're not getting anything done.


I'm going to miss these times.

Why Voltaire Breaks My Heart

I'm reading Candide right now. Opera Theater is doing it next fall, and, although I know nothing about how the opera relates to the book and didn't audition, it inspired me to reread the book.

Anyways, Cadide strikes an interesting chord for me. When I first read it I was a Sophomore in high school. Our AP European history class was reading it and we were all in a "we-must-be-elite-since-we're-reading-philosophy-and-are-the-only-sophomores-in-an-AP-class" stage. Yes, I was one of this kids. Thus, I forced myself to like it so I would be as cool and intellectual as my fellow elite AP classmates. That's pretty much the way Sophomore year worked.

Now that I'm reading it again I am taking everything with a grain of salt. Voltaire spends the entire story bashing religious institutions, war, and even philosophy itself. Voltaire? Bash philosophy? It's true - the character Pangloss begins the book with the optimistic view that we live in a world that is the best it can be, and that things are the way they are because they couldn't possibly be any other way.

From what I'm getting, Voltaire believed in God. He also makes it clear that he thinks man has created all evil in the world, that it is unnecessary, but that we must live with it as best as we can. These are all things that I agree with, but that is where Voltaire leaves it. His experience with the Church was as an institution, and that breaks my heart. I feel 18th century Europe had such a skewed picture of the Christian church, and Voltaire is right - man was the one who screwed that up. But what Voltaire never touches on is that yes, man has sinned and made this world the disgusting thing that it is; Yes, the church was not left uncorrupted; BUT, maybe there really is a hope for the world. What if there was a reason for why the world is the way it is, and a hope for life after this horrifying world of war and corruption? What if, by working towards that, we could, in the process, make the world a little bit better?

But he never seems to have gotten that far.

Just some thoughts.

Intentionally Being.

You wanna know one thing about college that I'm not too crazy about? The fact that it took me a good fifteen minutes to find somewhere that I could feel at peace and free to write. I wanted to be outside, but since it's 11pm it had to be somewhere not too dark and sketchy. I didn't want to be in my room or the library, but I don't have a car to go off somewhere and just BE.
Sometimes I just want to be. The outdoors, the moon, myself, God and my thoughts, and that is not an easy thing to achieve in college.

There's been a lot to think about today. I am feeling very filled spiritually, which is good because as of yesterday I was feeling pretty dried up. This was partially my own doing, I was doing a good bit of starving the holy spirit and probably (or, more likely, definitely) still have some freeing of my soul left to do. This was the passage today that really slapped me in the face:

"For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who by their unrighteousness suppressed the truth. For what can be known about God is plain to them, because God has shown it to them. For his invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made. So they are without excuse."
-Romans 1:18-20

I am so guilty of this, but never fully understood the passage until now. We talked tonight about how the "wrath of God" can actually be God allowing us to have our sinful desires that we so lust after. For me that's complacency, impurity and the wasting of time. I have been so blessed with such an awesome upbringing, but that often hinders how powerful I perceive God to be. He is so infinitely powerful! Just look outside! How can we deny that we should be worshipping the creator? And yet we (I!) continue to worship the CREATED. Idolatry.

Sometimes I disgust myself.

So now I'm sitting outside Wright Hall in the dark trying to mull over all that my soul is feeling right now. I struggle so much with falling back into complacency - I pray that God takes me out of that and reveals his awesomeness and then I forget to look for it.

I have no idea what this summer, or next year, or the year after that holds. Heck, I don't even know if I'll be alive. But I pray that with the time I have left I will hold fast to what I know is true and worship him who couldn't help but CREATE, instead of finding things to worship amidst the mess we've made of what God so lovingly created.

Let's do this thing.

Diving off of Cliffs.

Today I am going to jump off a cliff.

Don't worry, there's ninety feet of water below said cliff so I think I'll be okay. This cliff diving experience, I've decided, is far more important than the various school-works that need to be finished within the next week.

I don't have very much motivation. Partially due to the fact that I am a brilliant procrastinator and also to the fact that I have recently become addicted to How I Met Your Mother. Oh, Neil Patrick Harris, how I love you.

But anyways, this lack of motivation and need to procrastinate have led me to believe jumping off cliffs will be a brilliant idea. And I think it will be. I think that times like this call for adventures, because otherwise life would feel as if it was just wasting away, slipping through my fingers, or whatever other cliche you want to put in there.

I have come to realize that as long as I'm learning and growing, it doesn't matter if ALL my schoolwork is done (as long as the GPA stays high enough to keep my scholarship!). Business is my way of life. It always has been, and I'm glad to keep my schoolwork sitting on the edge of this seat.

Topsy Turvy Music Madness

I have become so content here in Tennessee - I sincerely love my home here. But Belmont truly is a difficult school to go to. Although I have great friends in the music program here, I have recently come to realize (or maybe I've always known) how catty things can get at the school of music. I should have known what I was getting myself into months ago. Not to say I don't thrive a little amongst the competition. I do. But with the results of commercial ensemble auditions looming in the near future I have seen this school at its worst. I have heard countless stories of how jerky certain people are, or how others don't deserve this ensemble or that solo or that recognition. I, myself, have found myself getting caught up in this phenomenon of constant comparison with my "competition".

And really this all stems from one thing - jealousy.

Unfortunately (and ironically) jealousy has been one of my biggest personal struggles. Always feeling the need to get attention or recognition in order to feel that I am successful and loved as a person. When somebody else gets what I want it is my innate response to become bitter towards that person. This week has tested me in this area without cease, and I feel that it has been an awesome growth experience. Not to say that I've succeeded in staying completely content throughout this process, but I feel that God has given me a little taste of how he sees his children. Whether we are the most amazing of performers or if we feel like we're eating the competitions dust, he still sees us as precious beings and he loves us. What is going to matter at the end of all of this is not whether or not I ended up in the best group of singers but how I treated my friends (and those who have no interest in being my friend) in the process. I need to keep myself aware of if I'm treating those I can so easily become bitter against with love and compassion.

I wish I could say I reminded myself of this through every day of this pseudo - "hollywood week", but I can't. I only hope that each day I can work towards becoming a non-cliche, non-catty, non-attention hogging Belmont vocal major. Because as much as I want to be a singer, I can't stand the thought of losing my integrity in the process.

And LORD, am I gonna need your help.

A Sense of Him

I've been thinking back on all that I had built up in my head before venturing down to Nashville and laughing at my idyllic sense of what this whole "college" thing was going to be. I've been laughing while going through this process because of how incredibly silly I was to think it was going to be this instant, beautiful, just-like-the movies experience. That is so like me to do, too. The crushing reality that starting from scratch was hard and at times painful came as a horrible blow to my ego and my pride quickly caught up with me, setting up defenses against anyone who wanted to truly know who I was. Does that make sense?

Anyways, coming back second semester was even tougher than leaving home in the first place. My mind did a full 180 and was, in some senses, preparing for the worst: loneliness and struggles. More time feeling distant from Him.

And that's where God blew my mind.

Of course life isn't instantly the ideal I dreamed of back in August, but attempting to break down the walls that were thrown up in defense when I was feeling insecure has made for a much more exciting story than before. God has provided and provided, even when it seemed he was only taking away and taking away. He has broken me and allowed me to share my struggles with sisters that encourage me and help me back up. He has provided a family of believers who are getting to know me better and are providing a beautiful example of what it means to be God's hands and feet. Slowly but surely He is revealing himself to me and opening my heart again, bit by bit.

And I am so thankful.