A Post About Love

Acting in love does not always mean making people happy.

I have been thinking a lot about this simple statement since being home.  I love making people happy, but I also don't consider myself a pushover.  Usually.  But if what I believe to be acting in love is going to cause dissent amongst my friends or family, I will probably choose not to.  My anti-conflict sentiments have led me often to a lack of depth in relationships, and that ends here.  Now I just have to figure out what that looks like in the real, tangible, simple day to day.  Oy.

Stuck in Limbo, Again.

For the next few weeks I will be essentially homeless.  Not to be dramatic, of course.  It's more of a state of mind than it is a true fact for me.  We are supposed to be gone from the dorm, but we are not yet able to move into our apartment.  Next Sunday we are up and going to Italy with our choir (which is going to be incredible, by the way), and during that time our things will be staying in limbo-land here in Nashville.

I'm praying for grace and peace as we go about traveling, being tired and moving cross-country/cross-world for the next few weeks.  These last few days of hanging around before the excitement starts just make me angsty, and most of all I think I'll need grace from my roommates for the next few days as we try to set life back into motion and letting it sweep us across the states and across the world.

It has been a great year.  Leaps and bounds better than that horrible entity that is the freshman year of college.  I am excited for what the summer holds.  I am absolutely determined to breathe new life into the home that I associate with spiritual complacency and dead-end work.  I had a lady that I barely knew pray for me at church this morning with such earnestness and sincere revelation.  She encouraged me to make my summer fruitful without ever actually telling me to, and prayed exactly what needed to be lifted up to God without knowing a single thing about my life or my story.

I am ready to surrender, fully trusting that God will anoint every situation, conversation and conflict that comes my way this summer.  But I also think I might not be at all ready for what He has in store.  Either way, bring it on.

I Was Fine All Day

It's true, I've been fine all day.  And it's been a great day.

But in the past thirty minutes amongst the scattered noises of living in a dorm and rooming with musicians I just became inexplicably anxious and sort of angry.  And let me tell you, it takes a lot to get this girl sincerely angry, so not being able to explain my current emotional state just adds frustration and confusion to said anger.

Maybe I'm finally becoming a girl, hormones raging and emotions swinging back and forth.  Maybe my brain is just exhausted from the three guitars I can hear simultaneously playing different songs from my room, the melodies of which are slipping into my subconscious and slowing driving me mad.  Or maybe the conversation I just had with my family concerning how I was missed at my sister's college graduation ceremony and the subsequent conversation about life and money has triggered some angst.  But really it's probably all of these things wrapped up in one.  I just need some silence to gather my thoughts and then move on.  Unfortunately, my life is not conducive to silence.  This is one of my deepest regrets, but that's a different story.

My no stress policy is being consistently beaten and battered, but I will hold firm to the fact that prayer trumps worry.  Always.  I was fine all day, and I will soon be fine again, and the joy of the Lord will once more be my strength.

Ah, college summers.

I am almost officially going to be home this summer.  Which makes sense, really.  I am not nearly as prepared (economically) to live on my own, eight hours away from home as I think I am.  I should relish the last chance I have to be home, with my food provided for me, not having to pay rent, and with a car at my disposal, but I just am not fully there yet.  There will be benefits - I'll have more time to practice music, write music, spend time with God and relax.  I just know that this summer has the potential to completely go to waste - and I am much more likely to waste a summer when I'm in the comfort of my childhood home, my life in Nashville on pause, free to do as a please.  Oy.

And it's harder knowing that so many of my dear friends will be off galavanting around the world, studying abroad, doing mission work, making the world a better place.  At this point in life I just feel stuck.  Life is waiting to start, but I have no means to put it into motion just yet.  So I need to set some goals for the summer, that it might not go completely to waste, and I will post them here, for my own benefit, ASAP.  I am determined, now, to make the best of this.

Peace and Blessin's

Sometimes I forget how incredibly blessed I am.  All of my life I have asked God for friends just like the ones that I have now.  And what have I done to deserve it?  Absolutely nothing.  I have done nothing to deserve the countless blessings that God has showered upon me.  When I look back to certain points in my life and think on them, I realize that there were countless times where God could have just given me in to my own devices.  There were times when He kept me safe when I was a thankless, complacent fool.  I should not be in the state I am in, and though I have certainly hurt myself through my own complacency, God has never given up on me.

And now that I've made this realization, I desire nothing more than to continue to delve into the faithfulness that has blessed me and kept me for so long.  I want to make the one who hasn't given up on me finally proud.  And, all thanks to Him, he has put exactly the right people in my life to make that happen.

I am in awe.

Learning To Be An Adult

I feel like this semester is going to be one colossal lesson in how to be an effective, Christ-following adult.  In every sense of that title: spiritually and in real world, practical life, though I do believe the two are inextricably linked.

One of the biggest challenges for me in becoming such a person is learning how to have real, difficult conversations.  Conversations where there is conflict and disagreement, but is rooted in love.  Conversations such as this have come up lately in talking with people about where God wants me investing in a community of believers, in where I am supposed to live next year, and in what I should do with my summer to best glorify God while also being smart economically and effective as Jesus' hands and feet in this hurting world.

These are all really big questions - questions I used to avoid like the plague.  I hate conflict.  I like to pretend things are okay when they are not, and that is something God is continually drawing me out of by putting me in uncomfortable situations.  I am unendingly irked by this, but also so thankful.  I am becoming more and more my own person, while also becoming more and more connected with my Creator.  And it has been tough, day by day, but I am feeling growth, and that is something I have cried out for for so long.

I don't know where exactly my life is headed right now.  No one ever truly does.  But journeying through it all with all of my trust in Him is going to lead me exactly where I need to be, and I am confident in that.  The lesson has begun and it's one that may never end - I am ready.

Sweet Summertime?

In college, summers become more complicated.  Where am I going to live next year?  Will it be on or off campus?  Will I be at school or at home?  Do I have to be at school because of a leasing arrangement?  Where can I make the most money?

These questions are stifling God's voice.  I'm having so much trouble listening.  Sometimes I feel like the only person thinking about the practical.  But maybe the practical isn't as important as what God is calling us to do.  Or maybe the practical is a PART of what God is calling me to do with my time this summer.

Here's the thing - I was supposed to go to Haiti this spring break.  The trip was cancelled.  Any other trip I've found seems to be too expensive.  The funds are just not there if I want to live in Nashville next year and still eat.  God provided the funds that were needed for the school sponsored Haiti trip like nobody's business.  It seemed so right and he provided so faithfully, but now I'm lost.  It is so hard to hear his voice when my head is screaming "stay practical, make money" and many of my friends are going off to distant lands to fulfill his great commission.  I am lost and left behind - I want what is going to bring Him the most glory because that is the only thing that will bring true joy, I just can't see what that is.

Angst.