Ah, Nash.

I'm sitting at Bongo with Abby, Kristen and Carly. We're not getting anything done.


I'm going to miss these times.

Why Voltaire Breaks My Heart

I'm reading Candide right now. Opera Theater is doing it next fall, and, although I know nothing about how the opera relates to the book and didn't audition, it inspired me to reread the book.

Anyways, Cadide strikes an interesting chord for me. When I first read it I was a Sophomore in high school. Our AP European history class was reading it and we were all in a "we-must-be-elite-since-we're-reading-philosophy-and-are-the-only-sophomores-in-an-AP-class" stage. Yes, I was one of this kids. Thus, I forced myself to like it so I would be as cool and intellectual as my fellow elite AP classmates. That's pretty much the way Sophomore year worked.

Now that I'm reading it again I am taking everything with a grain of salt. Voltaire spends the entire story bashing religious institutions, war, and even philosophy itself. Voltaire? Bash philosophy? It's true - the character Pangloss begins the book with the optimistic view that we live in a world that is the best it can be, and that things are the way they are because they couldn't possibly be any other way.

From what I'm getting, Voltaire believed in God. He also makes it clear that he thinks man has created all evil in the world, that it is unnecessary, but that we must live with it as best as we can. These are all things that I agree with, but that is where Voltaire leaves it. His experience with the Church was as an institution, and that breaks my heart. I feel 18th century Europe had such a skewed picture of the Christian church, and Voltaire is right - man was the one who screwed that up. But what Voltaire never touches on is that yes, man has sinned and made this world the disgusting thing that it is; Yes, the church was not left uncorrupted; BUT, maybe there really is a hope for the world. What if there was a reason for why the world is the way it is, and a hope for life after this horrifying world of war and corruption? What if, by working towards that, we could, in the process, make the world a little bit better?

But he never seems to have gotten that far.

Just some thoughts.

Intentionally Being.

You wanna know one thing about college that I'm not too crazy about? The fact that it took me a good fifteen minutes to find somewhere that I could feel at peace and free to write. I wanted to be outside, but since it's 11pm it had to be somewhere not too dark and sketchy. I didn't want to be in my room or the library, but I don't have a car to go off somewhere and just BE.
Sometimes I just want to be. The outdoors, the moon, myself, God and my thoughts, and that is not an easy thing to achieve in college.

There's been a lot to think about today. I am feeling very filled spiritually, which is good because as of yesterday I was feeling pretty dried up. This was partially my own doing, I was doing a good bit of starving the holy spirit and probably (or, more likely, definitely) still have some freeing of my soul left to do. This was the passage today that really slapped me in the face:

"For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who by their unrighteousness suppressed the truth. For what can be known about God is plain to them, because God has shown it to them. For his invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made. So they are without excuse."
-Romans 1:18-20

I am so guilty of this, but never fully understood the passage until now. We talked tonight about how the "wrath of God" can actually be God allowing us to have our sinful desires that we so lust after. For me that's complacency, impurity and the wasting of time. I have been so blessed with such an awesome upbringing, but that often hinders how powerful I perceive God to be. He is so infinitely powerful! Just look outside! How can we deny that we should be worshipping the creator? And yet we (I!) continue to worship the CREATED. Idolatry.

Sometimes I disgust myself.

So now I'm sitting outside Wright Hall in the dark trying to mull over all that my soul is feeling right now. I struggle so much with falling back into complacency - I pray that God takes me out of that and reveals his awesomeness and then I forget to look for it.

I have no idea what this summer, or next year, or the year after that holds. Heck, I don't even know if I'll be alive. But I pray that with the time I have left I will hold fast to what I know is true and worship him who couldn't help but CREATE, instead of finding things to worship amidst the mess we've made of what God so lovingly created.

Let's do this thing.

Diving off of Cliffs.

Today I am going to jump off a cliff.

Don't worry, there's ninety feet of water below said cliff so I think I'll be okay. This cliff diving experience, I've decided, is far more important than the various school-works that need to be finished within the next week.

I don't have very much motivation. Partially due to the fact that I am a brilliant procrastinator and also to the fact that I have recently become addicted to How I Met Your Mother. Oh, Neil Patrick Harris, how I love you.

But anyways, this lack of motivation and need to procrastinate have led me to believe jumping off cliffs will be a brilliant idea. And I think it will be. I think that times like this call for adventures, because otherwise life would feel as if it was just wasting away, slipping through my fingers, or whatever other cliche you want to put in there.

I have come to realize that as long as I'm learning and growing, it doesn't matter if ALL my schoolwork is done (as long as the GPA stays high enough to keep my scholarship!). Business is my way of life. It always has been, and I'm glad to keep my schoolwork sitting on the edge of this seat.

Topsy Turvy Music Madness

I have become so content here in Tennessee - I sincerely love my home here. But Belmont truly is a difficult school to go to. Although I have great friends in the music program here, I have recently come to realize (or maybe I've always known) how catty things can get at the school of music. I should have known what I was getting myself into months ago. Not to say I don't thrive a little amongst the competition. I do. But with the results of commercial ensemble auditions looming in the near future I have seen this school at its worst. I have heard countless stories of how jerky certain people are, or how others don't deserve this ensemble or that solo or that recognition. I, myself, have found myself getting caught up in this phenomenon of constant comparison with my "competition".

And really this all stems from one thing - jealousy.

Unfortunately (and ironically) jealousy has been one of my biggest personal struggles. Always feeling the need to get attention or recognition in order to feel that I am successful and loved as a person. When somebody else gets what I want it is my innate response to become bitter towards that person. This week has tested me in this area without cease, and I feel that it has been an awesome growth experience. Not to say that I've succeeded in staying completely content throughout this process, but I feel that God has given me a little taste of how he sees his children. Whether we are the most amazing of performers or if we feel like we're eating the competitions dust, he still sees us as precious beings and he loves us. What is going to matter at the end of all of this is not whether or not I ended up in the best group of singers but how I treated my friends (and those who have no interest in being my friend) in the process. I need to keep myself aware of if I'm treating those I can so easily become bitter against with love and compassion.

I wish I could say I reminded myself of this through every day of this pseudo - "hollywood week", but I can't. I only hope that each day I can work towards becoming a non-cliche, non-catty, non-attention hogging Belmont vocal major. Because as much as I want to be a singer, I can't stand the thought of losing my integrity in the process.

And LORD, am I gonna need your help.