I have become so content here in Tennessee - I sincerely love my home here. But Belmont truly is a difficult school to go to. Although I have great friends in the music program here, I have recently come to realize (or maybe I've always known) how catty things can get at the school of music. I should have known what I was getting myself into months ago. Not to say I don't thrive a little amongst the competition. I do. But with the results of commercial ensemble auditions looming in the near future I have seen this school at its worst. I have heard countless stories of how jerky certain people are, or how others don't deserve this ensemble or that solo or that recognition. I, myself, have found myself getting caught up in this phenomenon of constant comparison with my "competition".
And really this all stems from one thing - jealousy.
Unfortunately (and ironically) jealousy has been one of my biggest personal struggles. Always feeling the need to get attention or recognition in order to feel that I am successful and loved as a person. When somebody else gets what I want it is my innate response to become bitter towards that person. This week has tested me in this area without cease, and I feel that it has been an awesome growth experience. Not to say that I've succeeded in staying completely content throughout this process, but I feel that God has given me a little taste of how he sees his children. Whether we are the most amazing of performers or if we feel like we're eating the competitions dust, he still sees us as precious beings and he loves us. What is going to matter at the end of all of this is not whether or not I ended up in the best group of singers but how I treated my friends (and those who have no interest in being my friend) in the process. I need to keep myself aware of if I'm treating those I can so easily become bitter against with love and compassion.
I wish I could say I reminded myself of this through every day of this pseudo - "hollywood week", but I can't. I only hope that each day I can work towards becoming a non-cliche, non-catty, non-attention hogging Belmont vocal major. Because as much as I want to be a singer, I can't stand the thought of losing my integrity in the process.
And LORD, am I gonna need your help.
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