He gives and takes and then gives. And then He asks us "What will you do with these gifts?"

It's funny how God likes to bless us when we feel most like we don't deserve it.  In the same way, he tends to take away at the most unexpected times, as well.

I've been really crappy to Him lately.  And what kills me is knowing that He doesn't need me.  I desperately need God but I avoid Him, whereas He doesn't need me at all and yet is jealous for me.  He longs for me to pursue him with full abandon, but I'm too scared to fully give my heart to anything.  The more relationships I build in this life, this life that is more my own now that it has ever been, the more scared I get that I'll get hurt.

However, I tend to not really recognize that fear for what it is.  I think that a lot of the time I, unbeknownst to my own self, put up walls.  Walls that keep me from hurting others and walls that keep me from getting hurt.  But Jesus loved with everything he had, unconditionally.  He preached truth even if it wasn't necessarily what people wanted to hear.

This is the area I struggle most in.  God continues to bless my life far beyond anything I deserve, and His challenge to me is "what are you going to do with it?"  And so far my answer has been, "Thanks for giving me this awesome life - do you see how good I am at managing it?  Do you see that I've been productive in getting into a good college and making friends and being a good person?" And as wonderful as that all is (and I'm not complaining, it is wonderful and I'm proud of where I am), Jesus wants so much more from us.  He wants us (me) to be willing to give all that up and follow wherever he leads.  He wants us to sprint into his arms and live as he lived, loving until it hurts and speaking truth into the lives of all we meet.

For me, that means getting out of my freaking comfort zone.  Now.