I'm just not good at putting the ocean of words and colors and feeling and music in my head into actual words. This is the struggle of my life. I like to think that I'm someone who really feels things. Certain books and other media, landscapes, people, events and situations resound inside me to a place where actual articulation of the feeling completely escapes me.
Even now, I feel as if I'm doing just fine articulating how I can't articulate. But there are so many specific instances that have long since gone from my heart and soul that are lost to the page. The idea that so many of my experiences are not recorded, that those feelings are lost to me, scares the crap out of me. I have tried to make those occasional deep experiences into art - music, poems, etc. - but nothing can ever do them justice. Glimpses of heaven that I have experienced, glances that speak into infinity from people that I hardly know - these are things that other people have always made into art for me. Or things that God reveals and that even the greatest artist could never put on paper or form into music.
I like to think that I'm a musician. That somewhere inside me a song lies for each instance in life. And maybe it does, but maybe it's not my own. Music is, without a doubt, what I want to actually do in my life. The thing that I pray and pray will actually make me some money.
But I think, in reality, I'm a writer. And that I will always be - whether anyone reads the ramblings of my jumbled mind doesn't matter. I just need to get the words out.
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this is good art, rachel. do not be afraid to write, don't be afraid of the complete capture. even a glimpse at true emotion is something the world needs, and a glimpse can present the mystery of feeling in the first place, which can only lead to accuracy. i like to feel too. and i like you. :)
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